


Dean's Journal

by PresentingComplicated



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Protective Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-10
Updated: 2015-02-12
Packaged: 2018-02-28 23:32:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2751263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PresentingComplicated/pseuds/PresentingComplicated
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has a journal where he wrote about the important parts about Sam's life and how it was like raising him. Face it guys John Winchester was most likely never around for any milestones in his own children's lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sorta Like a Diary But Not

**Sammy was always my responsibility from the moment dad put him in my arms. I was the one that quieted and comforted him when he cried. Made stupid faces to make him laugh and used words to calm him when he would have a hissy fit. Dad would supply the money but none of the emotional crap the kid needed. By the time I was 16 he was barely doing that. It led me to stealing and that time at Sonny’s. Have to admit that life was good while it lasted but the whole time I was wondering if my Sam was ok. The kid was practically mine, I raised him, Sam barely knew dad, even at 12. It freaked me out to think Sam was stuck with dad who he considered almost a stranger, and who didn't care for anything but obedience.**

**Even now pushing thirty Sam is my responsibility. I can’t not watch him, protect him, and believe in him. My job is to do all three. No matter what stupid shit Sam does I never give up on him. Yeah I have had my moment, I have said some things but in the end if I have faith in fucking anything it is in my baby brother. The demon blood, lucifer, fucking purgatory I have forgiven him for it all. There are times where I wonder what I did wrong for him to be able to lie to me so easily or how sometimes he doesn't seem to give a shit anymore. I think about how i’m only 4 years old than him and I feel like I’m his father then I get over it and just take it as my reality. Sam is the way he is, it might be my fault and it might not, and I’m just gonna have to fucking go with it all if I don't want to lose him for what would probably be the hundredth time. P.S. I don't even know who I'm fucking talking too, just myself I guess.**


	2. Word

**The day that Sam said his first word Dad was no where to be found. He wasn’t in the crappy motel we were staying at, the town, or the hell the state. He had been a late bloomer, really shy , for a while I thought there was something wrong with him. Anyway he didn’t speak until he was five and I was nine. before then Sam only spoke to me in the sign language I taught him. I always told him to take his time I thought pushing him would be bad and dad refused to bring him to a real doctor to see what might have been wrong. So I had dealt with it as best as I could and waited patiently for Sam to speak until he felt safe to.**

**It was like any other night. I had checked the salt line and made sure my gun was near by. I was tucking him into bed when he suddenly put his chubby hand on my face and said “Dean”. It was a huge relief. It meant there wasn’t anything wrong with my little brother and I wouldn’t have to try and explain anything to the teachers after they finally realized dad didn’t have the answers. It meant that everything might be okay.I didn’t cry but I wanted to. Sammy had finally said something and it was my name! I don’t think I knew it then what I was feeling but I know now that it made me feel proud.**


	3. Reading

            **Believe it or not Sam didn’t always have such an easy time. He grew up to be a college boy all right but at first even just reading a word was really hard. It wasn’t the same for him as it was like for other kids. It was even harder for him. Dad said his teachers had said he had something called dyslexia. At the age of 10 I couldn’t pronounce the word but I knew it was just another thing I would help Sam concur, like potty training. Nothing could have been worse than that. It turns out it took a lot of work not just for Sammy. it was hard for me to keep a 6 year old in line, to make him read instead of play when reading was obviously so hard for him. all the hard work was great in the end though because being able to read gave Sam a confidence he had never had before. Something about being able to read about whatever his little nerdy head wanted to learn about gradually changed my brother from the shy kid I once had to push to go to school to the one that practically had to be dragged from school. I was glad I had given up using my time to do whatever ever to teach him.The kid still didn’t have a lot of friends but he had a few and lets face hit Sam was never the one with the people skills and will never be. That’s all me.**


	4. Listen

**Sam never understood why I always followed Dad’s orders, never questioned him and acted like “ a good little soldier”. It would call me a liar if i told him it was actually because of him I did it. I had to show Sammy that no matter what you listened to the guy that was there for you (me), you trusted them. After all how could i ask him to completely trust me for everything if I never put that trust in anyone else. He needed to not doubt me like I tried to show him with doing whatever dad said. In our life style Sam listening to me could mean his life.**

**Looking back on it i think it was a wasted effort, it hadn't been necessary.Sam seemed to get that he needed to listen to me. He knew I was the one to go to if  I was hurt or hungry. All those times I listened to Dad’s stupid crap only seemed to turn Sam away from the guy, it hadn't been my intention. It made it so Sam actually listened to John when he told him to stay gone. It made it so Sam thought I cared about Dad more than him when that could never be fucking true. Everything I ever did or will do is for that kid.**


	5. First Day

**I remember first day of high school. Back then he was still a shrimp that I could push around. I forced him up early morning to eat a good breakfast of Luck Charms. Made sure he got dressed, brushed his teeth, and all that crap. At 14 I still was reminding him to do the necessities of life. If I hadn't he would have probably gone through the day lookin a mess with his nose in a book. I waited in Baby for Sam to be done getting ready then drove him to school all the while pretending to not notice how nervous he was. He was doing that thing where he held his hands at his side and stared straight a head. After parking at the school I walked him to the front of the building and decided that was where we should part ways. Hadn't want Sammy to get crap from anybody for having his older brother walk him through the school, I knew he was already going to get some for being the new kid. If I had known now what was going to happen in latter in the week I would have walked him to every fucking class he had that day. Those stupid punk kids would have known what they were dealing with if they dared to even think of touching Sammy.**


	6. Innocence

**The first time I let Sam hold a gun was when he was 8. Dad had wanted to start him at age 6 but I did everything I could stop Sam from having the same childhood I did, that is not one at all. I couldn’t get him out of the life because that would leave him vulnerable, he wouldn’t know the truth about what is out there and I wouldn’t be able to protect him all the time. If I could though I swore I would give him some normal childhood moments. so when I taught him to shoot it was to shoot cans. I told him we were cowboys and that he would need the skill to protect people. Sam was always smart though even from a young age and realized that we weren’t really cowboys and not all 6 and 10 year olds shot guns in their free time. Every new thing he needed to learn to survive I made into a game but he realized there was something he was missing. By the time he turned ten he had already figured it out but hadn't wanted to believe it.**


	7. Protect

**Sam wouldn’t believe him if I told him but when I first found out from Sam that he got into college I was really happen for him. The kid I had raised got into college on a full ride and it was fuck Stanford. Who wouldn’t be proud of that? Our dad apparently. Anyway after the initial announcement from Sam I started to realize what him going to college would mean. He would have to be away from me for years if not more. I honestly didn’t give a crap that he wouldn’t be hunting anymore but I was worried of Sam not being by my side all the time. If he wasn’t with me how could I protect? The thing was I knew I wouldn’t be able to and that scared even though I knew that I had trained him as much I could so Sam could handle himself. That feeling made me not stick up for Sam when he had the argument with dad. A big part of me knew that i had to let him leave but another part was hoping that what dad was saying would stop him. When Dad basically told him to never come back I stayed quiet even though I would never agree to that. I didn’t go after Sam to tell him so because I knew if I did I would have begged him to stay with me where I could protect him. Sam doesn’t know about it but after he left I yelled at dad for the first time in my life and even punched him before storming out myself. It was the reason that I didn’t know what happened to Dad, when I came back later on he was already gone.**


	8. Failure

      **When Sammy got hurt for the first time I had this huge feeling of having failed. No matter what happened I had to protect family and some how I allowed it to happen. The incident almost seems funny now if I didn’t remember what the awful feeling felt like. All that had happened to him get hurt was that he tripped. He got a cut on its knee. A small cut, he hardly bleed but Sammy had tears streaming down his face when he came running into my arms. He had been playing in a park near our hotel of the week. I had been watching him the whole time but was fast enough to stop him from tripping over the ball I had stolen for him. It had taken only a few minutes to calm him down but during and after I felt like I was going to cry. It seems real dramatic now when I have seen Sam hurt way more badly but back then I was 9. At 9 though when I had never seen my brother get hurt before I was really mad at myself. I never wanted to see my Sammy cry again no matter what. I obviously failed at that too.**


End file.
